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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Dear LIB readers: Should I marry a man who sexually abused me?

From a LIB reader
Dear Linda, I really need advice from your readers. I have fallen in love with a guy who sexually abused me when I was young and he's asking me to marry him now. He has apologized for what he did to me but I still haven't forgotten. What do I do?

274 comments:

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me_chuks said...

Run oh!guilt might b y he's back,I don't see how u cn b in love.

Anonymous said...

Oh nice marry him so he can abuse ur daughter.learner oshi

Engr.Joseph Darelle Adex said...

search ur heart deeply and be sure you are in lov with him or you are been lured into another rounds of sexual abuses.

Anonymous said...

The question is how long have u bn dating. I suggest you go out with him for at least six months so u can really determine if he's truly changed. Time seems to heal a lot of wounds so if ur ready to forgive him and continue ur life with him, no problem. But be patient and study him well. IAI

Tejumade said...

Deuteronomy 22:28- 'If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, (29) he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He MUST marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can NEVER divorce her as long as he lives'. The Word of our living God is the truth always, the only laws that changed are specifically the ones that Christ our Messiah himself said to be changed and only in his coming,death&resurrection was that enabled. Besides our Mighty&Jealous God of the Old Testament is very much the same Loving&Forgiving God of the New Testament. Muslims&Jews should look forward, CHRISTians need to look back.

With this man being someone you had that first encounter with, he's always going to have a place in your heart/mind (atleast) so it's no surprise your considering his proposal which frankly, is a solution to this existing problem providing he isn't a relative(incest)or already married(adultery). Also, please make sure that the man is a BORN again practising Christian and you too, be fervently prayerful for yourself and for him..or he might backslide. That's why his love for our Omniscient Creator and his laws needs to be primary, not the one for you for all flesh is weak and it's solely in Christ that anyone can claim to have neglected their old sinful ways for good,Yahushua (Hebrew/original name for Jesus) is the way, the Truth and the Light. Please remember Yahuwah(God) is SEEMINGLY forever patient with us so with the spirit of discernment by your side, there's no harm in giving him another chance. You've seen his worst, what a triumph it'll be as his past victim, to be the one to bring out his best BY Yahuwah's Grace. Take heart my sister and take care.

SUE JORDAN said...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME....HOW DAFT CAN U BE....GO AHEAD AND MARRY HIM SO HE CAN ABUSE ALL YOUR FEMALE KIDS...

Anonymous said...

C diz one pple no c husband wey go marry dem,u dey here dey contemplate

Anonymous said...

You had better run fast from this child molester. What has appology got to do with life time mental torture? Look there is no way around it if he did it to you when you were little, he'll still do it again even to your children love has got no place in this relationship at all pls save your unborn children

Anonymous said...

Well its up 2 u girl...But 4 some1 who took advantage of you..dat can be devastating, 4me I dont tink i will ever 4get it. If u tink he is sincerely sorry & u hv actually forgiven him & even fallen in love with him. who are we 2 put asunder? Make sure u are double sure u can stand him 4 d rest of ur life.

Awesu Oladipo said...

Go on your kneels and pray to God, ask him for direction and not from getting infos and comments on how people feel you should act on blog sites.

@thebeat999freak said...

r u a learner? d best apology wuld b takin u down d aisle frm d altar...well, d best forgiveness wuld b when u say dat YES I do...Am yung, I knw..just nt too dumb to knw dat u dont expect a man to change for d better afta marriage....expect d worse..if he's beta, lucky U. so u decide, make up ur mind if u r ready to marry him as he is nw. don't b finkin he ll change if he still abuses oda woman..cos he just myt sexually abuse una maid ooo..i wish u well. You decide! he just myt b dat vewi man of ur dreams who gonn treat u ryt, remember he wuz yunga wen he did wot he did...hehehehe..he prolly has grown more mature, mayb smarter too @thebeat999freak says so

Anonymous said...

U need a dirty slap! Rubbisb!

Anonymous said...

Since he has apologise for his wrong did, i see no reason for u not to accept him and beside u love him. For me i will say go ahead

Anonymous said...

Lol @ hot girls comment. But u sure r a weird being to av fallen in luv wif som1 dat abused you.

MY TURN said...

Run as fast as your legs can carry u. we women love stupidly sef, he doesn't love u don't kid yourself he just wants to continue from where he stopped and this time he would mess with your family.

gloria sharon said...

My God!How did u fall for him?I don't understand sha but its obvious u don't have any psychological issues or scars from the experience. Its your life but I would suggest u look else where o,these things have a habit of re-occuring in the future! Na wa sha

somadina obi said...

Sounds scary, But there's an atom of sense on Ūя comment... ​¶ pray God helps her ♍‎​α̲̅kƸ τ̣̣ђё right Decision.

Anonymous said...

You say you love him but have not forgotten. Honestly this decision is up toyou alone. Is he truly remorse? How sure are you that you won't have flashes of the past? Will there be trust in your marriage? These and more are questions u hav to answer because you don't want to wake up all of a sudden and hurt it because my dear when it comes to marriage Love isn't enough, other things hold a home together

Greenmomma

Anonymous said...

Love conquers all, is patient, keeps no record of wrongs. You say you love him. Does he love you? Has he overcome the habit of abusing? Does he now fear and obey GOD?

lovelylady said...

What kind of sexual abuse,did he rape u?if he did,then for me,its a no no !!!pls.for a man to rape a woman shows how demeaning and less of a human being he is.and he can also rape others,if he hasn't done so already,pls flee

Anonymous said...

Please,Just go Ahead And Marry him.You Know why? Because,He Has became part of you right from childhood.Pray over it and with God all things are possible.Best of Luck.From The Way u Talk About him, You Eqaully love him.Be Strong girl!

Anonymous said...

Please,Just go Ahead And Marry him.You Know why? Because,He Has became part of you right from childhood.Pray over it and with God all things are possible.Best of Luck.From The Way u Talk About him, You Eqaully love him.Be Strong girl!

Anonymous said...

The past is the past. Move on. We all hurt and abuse one another, if not sexually then emotionally, financially etc. That's why we are human beings. We have faults. Nobody is an angel. If he is genuine and the only problem is the sin for which he has apologised,give him another chance. May the Lord be with you.

sidney tochukwu said...

Life is full of ups and down well to err is human to give is godly, so girl friend if u can fall In love with him u can live together so take away the past forget and move on they said love conquers everything and those not think twice, is not self centre,does not think of its self alone, may the reason why u fall in love with him and he ask u to marry him is for u two to repair what has spoil in the past so be free god knows why god does his things differently

Anonymous said...

Capital question. Too harsh gal

Bling said...

i guess u were just too irresistable for him. u shouldnt have used d word abuse cos i'm sure u enjoyed the banging years ago to have fallen in love with him. if you guys love each other, then carry on! marry him. fate has a way of bringing people to their destiny

NIGERIA POLICE ACADEMY ADMISSION LIST FOR 2012/2013 IS OUT. said...

My candid advise to you is to forgive him, and accept his offer. No one is above mistake. No one is perfect. Forgive him and leave a fulfilled life with him. Goodluck!

Martins Rodriguez said...

Hello ppl, I must say that am disappointed wt some peeps comments here...She was abused not raped according to Linda. First u can't find solution here cos some peeps wl always write rubbish...If u re in love wt him go ahead and marry him...for u to be in love wt him it means dat u av forgiven him...Hw many times do we ask of forgiveness to God almighty...what happened to 'Forgive us our trespasses as WE forgive those who trespass against US' we all mess up in so many ways and yet ask for a Second chance...sometimes D tenth chance.... I dnt knw why some peeps hv D emotional intelligence of a 15 year old boy. Anyway To God Be D glory say man no be God

Anonymous said...

Truth said

Martins Rodriguez said...

Like say D question was ' am in love wt a guy dat abused me when I was young...and now he doesn't want marry me' wonder what ya all advice would hv been.... D young man wants to save her D pains by marrying her....which is also D best way to prove dat he is sorry for D past.....dat he did it in D past does dat mean dat he wl always do D same? Most of y'll stole money from popcy/mumcy @ya young age....shee una still de steal reach now abi?

Chidozie Mario said...

Anybody can fall in love, even fools. The important thing is if he has really changed and if you can forgive him, then you can as well marry him. But be ready to live with the memories.
How To Handle Premarital Sexual Urges

jumzie said...

My questions are ave u had sex wif him after d incident, hw did u feel durin n after d Sex? If u cn b able 2 answer these questions den u in d best possition 2 decide wat u wnt... Becos if u still feel rapped after d sex den it won't work btw u 2 trust me...

Anonymous said...

"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives." Deuteronomy Chapter 22, verse 28-29 NIV.

For something that will taunt you for the rest of your life, marriage is a practical solution. Nevertheless, be strong in Christ, even as your husband his strength is limited for mans flesh is weak so he NEEDS to be born-again in the spirit, a new spirit means a new God-fearing man. Regardless please forgive, NO ONE (including your very self) is worth going to the Devils 'paradise/hell' for.

Anonymous said...

We agree that you have forgiven him.
Are u ever going to trust him to be around your kids alone? Can he shower for your kids without you worrying???
Are you ever going to question his hanging around your sisters and friends?
What kind of family will that be if there is no full trust.
Marriage is more than just love, you have to consider many other things.

Adele said...

All these people talking about "if you love him, marry him etc", my dear, IMO, that's bull! Love is NOT enough. A lot of times, this love we talk about is a transient feeling that comes and goes. Ask yourself these few questions:
1. Have you gotten over the abuse or healed from the pain. Sexual abuse is very serious and devastating, with far reaching effects, so THINK very hard.

2. Is he a changed person? How do you know this? What signs,actions or in-actions have you seen to make you believe he has changed and will not abuse or molest your kids or others? For instance, can you honestly say that you can trust him alone with female kids?

3. If you are Christians or even Muslims, do you have a deep personal relationship with God. That will determine a lot especially on his part. The fear, reverence and honour that one has for God, is important.

4. Have you sought professional or spiritual counselling or help with this matter? I know it's not very African to seek counselling but I think you should in this case. Marriage is a very serious contract and the choice of whom you marry will determine not only your future on earth but can also determine where you will spend eternity. Don't marry someone who will rob you of a good life here on earth and afterwards. When you seek professional help, there are certain things that the counsellor, an objective person, will see that you cannot see.

5. Speak to your family and don't hold back on all the details of what went on between both of you. Hopefully, there is someone you trust and respect in your family to give you good counsel.

At the end of the day, the choice is yours but do not make a decision solely based on "love" or feelings alone. Get all the help you can! I sense that you may still not be completely healed from the abuse. It is well with you.

Queen Bee said...

Where have u been WSS?....hope the serial LIB bullies didn't make u disappear.miss ur comments still.welcome back.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe what I just read. You want to marry a paedophile on the basis that he apologized to you? Be prepared 'cos he will abuse every child around you and don't be shocked when he asks you to be part of it. If you like your life you better run as fast as your legs can carry you.

Anonymous said...

linda,u nofi publish my own abi?

Dinah said...

Honestly ghurlfirend, truth Ȋ̝̊̅ڪ people change. He may have abused you because he didn't know better back then. Love comes overtime not overnight, it therefore means that you have grown to know the man he has become now. It means you've accepted his flaws and you are willing to tolerate n accommodate him. You've created the room in Ūя̲̅ heart to care for him n trust him. If all this Ȋ̝̊̅ڪ true, then I suggest you go ahead and marry him. I disagree with those who say u shouldn't, truth Ȋ̝̊̅,ڪ no one understands Ūя̲̅ plight more than you. People will always advice you to do what they won't do if they were in your shoes. If you love him, seek the face of God, and for a while, set Ūя̲̅ emotions and feelings aside, then carefully consider him. If at the end you are convinced you have forgiven him, love him and pray he'll stay true to you. N/B: no man Ȋ̝̊̅ڪ perfect. Regards.

Anonymous said...

DID you fall in love before knowing he is the same person or (B) you identify him from on set and yet went ahead with FALL IN LOVE.
IF YOUR answer to my question a is yes then please run bcos like few people have said he will abuse everyone around you male and female now dont tell me HE IS HOLY MICHEAL if he is not a genuine person he can be pastoring and abusing people at the same time but if yes to b then suit yourself.

Oj Frank said...

It depends on some factors. First, is he truly sorry for what he did to you? Is he truly in love with you or he just has a crush on you? Is he willing to be more responsible and matured? Have you truly forgiven him? Do you truly love him? For me to err is human and to forgive is divine. Forgive him and let it off your mind. Above all, ask God for direction for He alone knows the thoughts of men.

Anonymous said...

i just pray you won't have daughters because the poor girls will be molested as well as all nieces and maids that come he's way.

Anonymous said...

You want him to molest your daughters and some poor young girls also abi

Anonymous said...

he is sick and you sef you're no alright just don't let him have access to small girls in the area o

Anonymous said...

a sexual abuser is a demon possessed man and he will do the same again and again.

Anonymous said...

I suggest you marry him.. that is of course you are sure you love him, if he abuses you or your kids then you can leave.. because you are in LOVE with him.. if you choose not to marry him, he'd still be on your mind. If only you meet someone that you can love more and you're sure you love more than him should you not marry him.

Anonymous said...

let him kuku molest you whole family now,oponu!

Anonymous said...

Guess we all deserve a chance.... On d oda hand, it can turn out 2 be a foolish decision aftawardz....

Therese I. said...

You're still damaged over what he did to you. You need medical help if you are ever going to get over him and find a healthy relationship. And if he molested you as a child he needs to be prosecuted by the law what he did was a grievous crime as well as a sin.

Anonymous said...

there's fire on the mountain run run run and don't ever look back

Omotee! said...

When is the wedding? Ode. Learner.

Anonymous said...

He is the one that made you damaged goods, so he might as well live with his handiwork for life. #rubbishquestion

Anonymous said...

Ɣ☺u have to ask?? R Ɣ☺u serious?? Wen Ɣ☺u wia d8n him b4 he proposed did Ɣ☺u tink?? Even if Ɣ☺u av 4given him..I doubt dia'll b trust bcoz d fear dat he'll do same to d ppl arnd Ɣ☺u n even ur children wee alwz b dia...n dia cnt b a marraige witout trust..MizzMac

Anonymous said...

wow!!! i think he's grooming you again and you are mistaking it for love this time round....

Anonymous said...

You are brain dead period!!!!

By all means forgive him and wish him well....but to fall in love with him?????? Shows you are truly damaged and needy and that there's a loose screw in your head....

Anonymous said...

Think about ur children . Will he do the same to them??????

Anonymous said...

Once beaten, always beaten!!! Move on

Anonymous said...

my dear, this is a very simple and straight forward answer 'NO'...You shouldn't be asking this type of question in the first place, you should know the answer already....do you want to spend the rest of your life in horror/misery? if yes then go ahead and marry ur abusive partner.....

Anonymous said...

some gals can be funny sha...fall in weytin?...it U̶̲̥̅̊я call tho buh i was also sextually abused when i was 18.. A̶̲̥̅♏ older now ãήϑ yet i still can't find a space in my hrt to 4give him...he also tried beggin ãήϑ all..told he to go to blazes..it took M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ yrs to have a normal reltionship...dat was how bad i was affected...so moi dia...all dat fall in love na rubbish!..mayb he didn't abuse u..he jz made u sextually aware..

goodluck said...

u love him is this main tin,go ahead.

goodluck said...

love is brain box.if u love him go ahead.

Anabel said...

I sincerely feel u enjoyed what u guys did when u were young. You are just using abuse cos that's what everyone says when they have sex with an older person early in life. If he really 'ABUSED' you, we won't be discussing this. You are only scared that he may just be into younger people

Anonymous said...

Run like the wind . I don't even understand how u r even in a relationship with someone who sexually abused you as a child. You are clearly still psychologicaly affected by what this man has done to you and it isn't healthy for you to be in such a relationship because he still has a hold over you , the man is a sick pedophile that needs divine intervention and incarceration . By marrying this man you r inviting him to come and rape your children and kind of making a statement that abuse of any form is right which is not the case , my dear you r clearly being manipulated by this sick fool into believing that you love him , you yourself clearly need help and God . All of these people that r saying go ahead u r very wicked will u encourage your own child to marry someone who stole their innocence and childhood from them . Ika o da

Anonymous said...

Ode oshi can't believe you made first comment sha .

Anonymous said...

I will keep this very simple and straight to the point. A man who abused you sexually broke your trust and it shows what kind of character he has. True he is sorry, but can you 100% be sure that he wont molest and sexually abuse your daughter(s), sister, neighbor, cousin? Accept his apology and keep it moving. Its just common sense. Unless you have very low self esteem and men don finish for this world.

Anonymous said...

Some of the comments here are just beyond stunning ( not the good kind). Someone abused you and you want to marry him. As a family therapist, this is a very huge sign that you have not yet completely recovered mentally. You need to seek counselling from a mental health professional or your pastor if you are religious. Please dont do it.

Rebecca Bex said...

Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!!!!

Oluwatosin williams said...

no oooooo if u dnt want to be dumped in the middle of one year you will listen to me

Feels said...

No, abuse him back sexually and leave him...Mtcheeeeew! Olodo!

Anonymous said...

Exactly Ooooooooooo

Anonymous said...

seriously bloglord u think she should? is that what is normal in your household? husband abusing or has sexually abused u before? jezuzzzzz women think... am going to vomit now...ciya

Anonymous said...

Monsieur bonario, this generation is truly a wasted one if this is your advice. Please wake up that indian girl who was gang raped and tell her to marry all the men that raped her afterall the have changed. May your daughters know rape so u'll understand.

Anonymous said...

yes chickeeto you should also marry your father and brother who have been raping you since you were six because blood is thicker than water. meeennn nigerians are sick if this is how you guys think. i think maybe you all truly deserve boko haram

Anonymous said...

I don't in anyway claim to be a psychologist but it's obvious that you still haven't forgiven yourself for being a victim of sexual abuse. If you had any value in yourself at all,you would not be considering that marriage proposal...
You think that no man will want you because you're flawed and you're wrong. I should know because i was once a victim..
There is a place for forgiveness but there is also a place for wisdom..please apply it and trust God to heal and restore to you all that life and it's twists have taken...Please...

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